Avoiding discomfort is not a sustainable life strategy

We’ve all done it. Said: “I am so [overwhelmed, tired, stressed, busy, blocked, outmatched].” And then what do we do about it? Go out and party. Or treat ourselves. Or sleep in. Or wait. It feels better to ignore or pretend. But you know deep down that that isn’t going to truly make it any better. You’ve got to act. And you’ve got to start now. - Ryan Holiday

Anecdote - a tale of two cities

Christmas holidays bring with them a wealth of emotions - they also sometimes reveal, in a gentle way, the make-up of people around you.

There are two people, bright and capable, that I care deeply about in my life that pushed me to write this article.

Person A has always worked a lot leading up to Christmas, despite sometimes working two jobs and taking a lot of care for the home and children.

Person B has also always worked leading up to Christmas and took a lot of care for the children, albeit with no job or other commitments.

Christmas day arrives: they are both tired, both dislike cooking despite being forced by circumstances into it.

So what's the real difference?

Person A: loves Christmas.
Person B: hates Christmas.

I noticed this while spending Christmas with Person A, and it made me reflect on it - after all, Person A would have even more reason to dread this period. However, all I could see is glowing delight!

As I thought deeper about this apparent paradox, there was one more difference between Person A and Person B... their attitude towards discomfort.

Person A doesn't avoid discomfort - how could they? Growing up poor, having to provide, having to manage, having to learn. There was no way other than stretch to deal with many things, and deal with them efficiently. Person A is now great at coping with things that are not immediately of their liking - but doing them amazingly anyways. In fact, the expression Person A would use is "Come on, let's do it, put a checkmark, and move on".

I suspect this behaviour got Person A a lot in life. Person A is very accomplished in her field, as well as in the community. She looks back at her years of hard work with love and affection.

Person B hates discomfort. In fact, I suspect that over the years, discomfort was gradually all but eliminated from Person B's life. The job went, the house cleaning was replaced with a hired professional, any chores were minimised. Awkward social interactions went. Lately, dinner conversations with family could not go towards topics that Person B found discomfort in. Why would they? Person B would lash out and walk away at the first sign of contempt.

The problem with this? The more Person B avoided discomfort, the more discomfort showed up for elimination. Eventually, an emptier life is difficult to find comfort in. Even opening presents became a chore. Cooking was a nuisance. Christmas was a nightmare.

One of the things that the family of Person B was proud that Person B pushed herself to do despite discomfort was booking an all-inclusive yoga retreat in Antiga. Yes, even that would have been otherwise too much. And after it happened, conversations about it were off the table as they were deemed too sensitive.

I love both people, but I know which of them I'd want to spend a dinner with if i had a choice, and also which I'd entrust with complex and uncertain tasks. If you're truly honest, I think you know deep down as well.

Analysis

Avoiding discomfort can close your world down without your explicit consent. This won't happen over night, but it will happen over years of avoiding the difficult for the easy. All the times when take-away is picked over a cooked meal. All the times when an impulse buy is picked over savings. All the times a corner is cut. All the times when a mile less is picked over a mile extra. You know, the times when you're being good with yourself.

Facing discomfort is a behaviour that can spiral you upwards. It's life expanding. It's the type of behaviour that has the potential of, one day, revealing who you truly are and what you truly are capable of (while avoiding discomfort only adds mud).

What to do about it?

Regonise you seek to avoid discomfort more often than not. Choose discomfort when it's the right choice instead of selling yourself the easy way out. Ask people around you to stop enabling you.

Next time you're at a dinner table, deep in conversation, perhaps push yourself into listening when someone brings the conversation into a space you don't like to think about. Perhaps even contribute to it.

Next time you're considering not swimming because the water is too cold, perhaps push yourself to do one pool length. Perhaps you'll find that the water is not too bad and you'll end up achieving more than you thought you're capable of.

If you have family or others enabling your avoidant behaviour, ask them to stop. Genuinely, at the expense of perhaps triggering you, it may save your life.

The comfort you get from seeking comfort is short lived. The true, lasting comfort is the one that you get from conquering your discomfort, your fears, your self-imposed limits.

You'll only be able to achieve more, be more, give more once you start accepting discomfort into your life.

No butterfly spread its wings with ease - but it had to be done (I dread an experiment where we give the butterfly the equivalent of Netflix binges to see what happens - perhaps I'll push tomorrow, the butterfly might think).

Stop taking your procrastinating, lazy brain seriously - mock it and do something. Right now.

Disclaimer: your milage may vary - this is based on my experience. Use advice at your own peril.

Bonus:

I'll leave you with an extra thought. The idea of being good with yourself has never been a thing in the history of the world - this is despite of the fact that (at any point in time) people had it a lot worse than now. They would work a lot more and have to deal with a lot more.

Perhaps your focus truly doesn't have to be inwards looking - perhaps that takes care of itself, like it always has, if you have a healthy relationship with the world around you. And that includes knowing how to disagree with it, but still engage in it anways.

But what about people who brun themselves out or worse?

Perhaps that's also a sign of avoiding discomfort.

I know myself that sometimes, working 12 hours is easier and then collapsing on the bed can be easier than facing the reality of a broken down relationship with family, with friends, with a wife/ husband. It can even be easier even than actually cleaning up a flat - after all I worked really hard, so I'll do it another time.

Perhaps overworking is a symptom of running away from discomfort in other core areas of our humanity.

Also, look at the correlation between mental health/ burn outs and individualism across different cultures. There's a clue.

It might seem pessimistic, but there's a lot of optimism in starting by recognising a problem and its source - it makes the cure a lot more potent.

Bonus 2:

Perhaps read this book that my friend Mihai has always recommended (and even tattooed on his arm - the dude is a maniac!)